Right now I feel like life is falling apart. Why is it that when life from the outside looks like its coming together, on the inside it still feels like things are crumbling. I know that God has it all in His mighty hands. I know the victory is already mine. Why does this battle seem so hard. Sometimes it feels like Im losing on all sides. As if every effort is in vain. I know that my labor is not in vain, cus thats what the word says. But how do I hold on to that when the peace that should come with that is not here. God I need your strength here. I dont know how to do what it is that Im supposed to do. Some of that is because I dont kow what to do . Im still searching for me. I still need to know who I am. There are some things about me that i dont understand. I try to throw reason to some things but that just doesnt seem to do it. I just dont know whats going on with me right now. I am hurting right now. I cant find me. I cant find you God. It feels like in all that I go through and battle that I cant find your peace. I know God, you are bigger than anything that I can ever face. All that I see is still under your subjection. I need to find you here. I am so missing you. You said that he who hungers and thirst for righteousness shall be filled. Lord I'm hungry, fill me......

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You know I wish I understood some things. Some times what I most misunderstand is me. I mean I know me but sometimes its the me that I don't want to know that most confuses me. Its the things about my personality that I cant explain and that go against what I like to think of myself. I feel I'm a pretty peaceful person yet if I'm not careful I can cause more trouble than I intend to. I mean well but sometimes I think I get in my own way. If I'm upset then I tend to upset everyone around me or at least spread a sour mood. I can take my frustration out on people who don't really deserve it. I mean even if you are the one that just pisses me off I still don't think that you are not deserving of the wrath (LOL) that I can deliver. I think sometimes I need an attitude adjustment. I mean a real attitude adjustment. I know that I can sometimes be pretty uptight. I am a pretty serious person. But I do have a light side that doesn't come out much. This has caused many problems in my relationship. Some people have this light switch so to speak... that seems to allow them to go from one emotion the the other pretty seamlessly. How do you do that? How can you be mad one minute and just fine the next. Sometimes when I deal with people with this ability it makes me even more upset. I feel like a hater in a sense. I want that yet it drives me up a wall. It seems so cynical to me. Yet these are the same kind of people that seem to just be able to go with the flow. Nothing seems to really bother them. I find myself praying for peace quite a bit. I'm not an angry person... at least I don't think. I don't know. Some times I think I can be pretty unhappy with life. No... I am pretty unhappy with life at times. More often than not to be real. There are somethings that I can change but don't know how and some things that I know how to fix and fear. The fear is the unknown. I consider myself to be pretty open and upfront. But if I'm honest I guess I do hide behind me. Why I don't know.

Relationship identity crisis.....

I don't know why I allow this to happen to me. I mean nothing is perfect nor do I expect it to be. But come on..... How did I get here? You say we are not a couple yet our actions don't show it. Are you trying to hold on to me and at the same time let me go? I have been here too many times before to just sit here and accept it. But I created this mess. My heart wont let you go but my mind is debating that feeling. I want you in my life.... right? Sometimes I don't know. I mean I'm torn myself. Your mouth says you want me. Your mouth says you love me. Yet you refuse to make the commitment. Am I or am I not your man? You say that I'm everything you want in a man. That sounds great until I take a look at your life and see myself as an option. I learned a long time ago not to make anyone a priority in my life who leaves me as an option. Yet daily I find ways to show you how much of my life you are to me, only to see just how much of a priority you are to you. I wish I could pull myself out of this yet I cant seem to get past this love hate feeling. I love you but hate where I am. I know the kind of man I am and that most women would kill for me. To know me is to love me accept in knowing me you love you more. So much more that I search for my security in this relationships identity. I know this may sound confusing well I guess that means I am too. I can't get through this crazy built up frustration. I wanna explode. The fact that this is comfortable to you drives me up another wall. You seem to have this all figured out. You have your cake and eating it to. Well you know what I have a plan for that. I've spent way to long chasing people who don't want to be caught. The chase is over... you want me you know where my heart is and you know how to find it. I have to let this go. Can't lose anymore sleep wondering if while you're in my arms when you're gonna leave.